Grow;ng UP (Traveller’s Voice Magazine Article).

You get to a point in your life as you’re growing up and start to think about life as an adult, how you’re going to have to live and act, (especially for our community), you can’t help but imagining what that looks like.

What did it look like to you? Did you get married young, and you’re both always happy with each other? Did you have loads of money in the bank, new trailers, houses or cars? Are you surrounded by Crown Derby all over the place, warning the children to stay away from it, (like me and my brothers and sisters were, for fear of God himself), or do you see yourself having your own site, living near your family?

As I was growing up, I had in my head that to have a happy family and a ‘happy life’, you went on holidays and bought a house, worked hard and gave your wages to your wife. Nothing unusual there, then. That’s what I thought ‘a happy life’ was, and for most people who don’t go through depression and anxiety, it probably is.

I’m in the middle of buying my first house. I also have a gorgeous family, not only that, they are funny, smart, creative and supportive through any mad ideas we have, and the inevitable highs and lows that we face in life. I don’t want for much, either I’m easily pleased or boring but I’m happy with the little things I have, like playing music, sports and nights with the family. I like my job and the people I work with too. All is GOOD.

So why am I more depressed than I’ve ever been, when I’m doing all the things that I imagined made people happy when I was a teenager?

I have no idea. I don’t think I ever will. When people say that they are “living with depression”, they really mean it. It is part of your life, not just a temporary thing that you can shake off. Never has fresh air, or just being to ‘just be happy’ cured depression and it never will. In fact, it makes people miserable. It does me anyway. I’d love to be happier, I should be happier with the things I have in my life. But there are days when I’d rather something bad happen to me, rather than meet someone for work, or play a gig because I’m worried I’d mess up and ruin everything. The featured picture sums me up perfectly. I am surrounded by a room full of carnage, people dancing to music I’ve written, but my face says it all.

No, telling people to ‘cheer up’ definitely isn’t the way to help somebody you know through their depression. Being that person who cares is. Being someone who was happy to drive you to your counselling appointments and grab McDonald’s to chat and clear your head afterwards actually helps. I was lucky that I had that. Not only were my family there when I was trying to accept that this was a part of my life now, friends were there to help me understand how to work with my brain the best I could. This made me stronger, or more resilient. It gradually became easier to open-up and describe some of things that I was involuntarily seeing or thinking. Horrible thoughts that I had no control over and mood swings that would make me impossible to be around. Even when I’m in the middle of playing with my kids, I can stop for a second and desperately need to be on my own for a while.

This is where my resilience has helped me, when I would have caved in the past. Instead of getting away, I take a minute and then think about how important each memory of my children playing with their parents are. Noah is two years old and already understands that when I go to work, he won’t see me for most of the day, then he knows that when I get home he goes to bed shortly after, so he crams in as much play time as he can. That really saddens me, because some days I’m selfish and want to be alone after work, just so I can calm my brain down, so I make sure I push myself to be as patient as I possibly can, because a two year old doesn’t understand anything about chemical imbalances in the brain, they just want to play and that’s why I try (and often fail) and being my version of strong.

Being strong doesn’t mean you have to be superhuman. Just turning up to an appointment, or even making it in the first place and accepting you need support is a huge step. Taking medication is a very scary thing. I never took my anti-depressants for years because I was afraid I’d become a zombie, and what a HUGE mistake that was. Talking to people about it is another huge step, granted not everybody will know how to support you, (so don’t take it personal if some people become distant or change the subject), but these things help you strengthen yourself for the times when you’re in a dark place, and feel lonely despite being surrounded by dozens of fun and loving people. It doesn’t matter, when you’ve hit a bad spot, you’re there until it goes away. There is also a lot to learn in accepting that life as you imagined, doesn’t go that way for pretty much anybody in life and you have top adapt, and roll with what goes on in your life, and the stories that they become well into the future.

As I grew older, the nice things I dreamt about as a teenager became simpler, more realistic things. Like having good health, for me and my family and friends, being able to provide and live as comfortable as I could and just having the time to be happy, and as you go through life, you will have a clearer idea of what an actual happy life is, or what your version of a happy life is. This obviously comes with being able to take care of you and your mental health. It will be important to know and understand when you feel a rough patch is coming, and what to do to manage it best you can. You won’t always be able to stop it, and that’s ok. Your brain is a very powerful thing that will do what it wants but finding support in family and people who can recognise when you’re hitting dark patches, will help you get to a place where you’re comfortable seeking professional help, or even strong medication when nothing else seems to work. I’ve been there, and it isn’t a nice feeling admitting to yourself you need more help, but for people who are living with mental illnesses, that is how you can get from where you are now, to where you dream to be in the next however many years.

Take care of you and your brain, it can be the hardest job in the world to do, but once you’ve built up a strength to take back some control, your view of the future and how to get there will become a bit clearer.