Get Talking.

For a few weeks now, I’ve felt the need to write and talk to whoever is reading. I’ve been up and down in a BIG way. CBD oil is working brilliantly, but sometimes there are days when I feel like nothing in the world will work. Then I feel hopeless. That’s why I don’t write every week, because focussing on depression isn’t a nice thing, and fortunately I’m not depressed every week just in time to write a new blog. I couldn’t live like that. However, to everybody who has read some entries and reacted to them, (or not), people being there to just send me some positivity or asking if “I’m alright”, I appreciate that I am able to talk about how down I’ve been, or how crap my mental health is. Being able to do that and listening to you has saved my life in more ways than you can imagine.

Unfortunately, as I’ve talked about in previous posts, suicide is rife within the GRT community. Just after Christmas, I found out that a fellow activist had passed away over Christmas. I didn’t know them personally but admired their passion for equality when I worked with them. I understood the burden that they carried and pressures, discrimination and hostility they must have faced from people from all sides of the political arena. The sad thing was when I first found out they had passed away, my first thought was that I hoped that they didn’t take their own life as they were only young. It hit me really hard when I realised that when I hear of a GRT person’s death, the first thing I think of is suicide. I mean, I was RELIEVED to hear this person died of natural causes. That is how often I hear of a person’s suicide.

When the numbers and stats tell you that suicide is the biggest killer of GRT people, these days it is hard not to believe it. That is a horrible thing.

Time to Talk

So, this Thursday is ‘Time to Talk Day‘ and the message is simple.

Talking about your mental health is important. Whatever way you do it. Even if it is just letting your friends and family know that they can talk to you when they’re going through hard times with their mental health, or challenging the stigma and perception that people struggling with mental illness are ‘weak’ or should just ‘get out more’. The world has become more open and supportive, so keep it going for you and yours and it honestly can save a life.

It has mine.

Take care of each other x

Happy CBD, to me!

As you know I write a lot about my depression, for a blog named ‘Learning to Dad’ it has become the focal point of the blog. I mean, writing about my kids is lovely. I found, however, that writing about what goes in on my head helped me more than I ever thought it could. I needed that to learn how to be a parent and more importantly to feel human.

For Gypsies, Travellers and Romani people, depression and other mental illnesses are kept hidden and not spoken of. We have to deal with daily racism and I am on constant defence when I walk into a shop, pub, cinema, or anywhere another Traveller is in. I mean, when places like Next and ASDA have sessions on ‘how to spot a Traveller’ during your work induction, (yep I had to sit there and listen on how staff must be vigilant and stalk them through the store, as we all “were richer than everybody else because they all steal”. I know, right?) it makes it hard to trust anywhere I walk in to and you’re not going to have the best mental state are you? Another story for another time.

Anyway, I found that when I began talking about mental health so many people spoke with me about it, and also spoke about it like it wasn’t shameful to try to understand what is going on in their body and mind. It was something I didn’t anticipate at all. They asked questions and felt good that they weren’t alone. This is what we all need to do, to help others from falling into a dark place.

Throughout my blogs, I’ve always been graphically honest about where I was at, how I was feeling and what I was going through at the time. Recently, I was in one of the lowest places I’ve ever been in. I battled with horrible things I had to listen to in my head, see, or think things that I had to fight, multiple times a day. It drained me and left me angry, agitated and horrible to be around. My prescription tablets weren’t working and the GP offered blood tests to find out I have low levels of vitamin B12. Thankfully, my wife had had enough and made me search for an alternative way to manage my mental health, (and ultimately, my physical health).

A few people had asked me what I thought about CBD (Cannabidiol – the compound extracted from a cannabis plant. Not to be mistaken for the ‘party time’ compound, Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), which is what gets you high), even though I had never tried it. Then more stories of frankly, life-changing stories for people with severe physical illnesses appeared and I was sold on at least trying it.

So off I went and to a vape shop, and I pick up a little bottle of ‘Global Green CBD‘ oil.  Again, this isn’t an ad and I know *nothing* about any brand at all, didn’t do any research, I just went and picked up the first brand that the shopkeeper told me about and away I went.

An hour or two after the first use, I felt my brain actually relax. I felt it ease up, stop feeling like it was strapped to an electric chair and for the first time in months, it wasn’t full of frustration or anger. It was just calm. It was lovely. When I fully explained to my wife how I felt, I nearly cried. I was happy to sit an explain to her what was going on and how I’d felt, without the usual need to dodge questions and want to escape. My mood became more positive because my mind wasn’t on an intense, defensive mode, and I slept so much better. I normally need an hour to wind my brain down of all the thoughts it has, then I usually manage a really light sleep. This time, I could still wake up and see to my two kids, but I felt back to sleep quickly and deeply.

This was just the first day.

Over the course of the week taking CBD oil two or three times a day I had found that,

- My focus had increased on every aspect, my work became manageable, (I have a very intense job, advocating for people from the GRT community, and also protecting and promoting our rights to councils and areas around North Wales – so a day’s work can MASH MY HEAD),

- I was thinking of ideas on how to play with the kids, and where we can go when normally I’d hope my wife would take them out and I’d be left alone.

- I wasn’t as anxious as I usually am with anything trivial.

- My ideas became better thought out and executed, due to my confidence levels increasing to how they were before I had an anxiety/stress attack that left me paralysed. I was able to focus and deliver what I needed to do and CBD oil, although not a magic elixir, is doing something that I have needed for the past decade or so. 

- I also play in a band and have written music in the past, and this past week was the first week where I wanted to write music. I found that I’ve focused on teaching myself piano, rather than play games until 1am and then go sleep when I ‘escaped’ enough. 

I began to post on my Instagram and Facebook about my experiences with my chosen CBD oil, (on a purely experiential basis, no payments/offers or anything. A strictly ‘no ad’ review) and the responses and interest I had were overwhelming. People were intrigued by the results I was writing about and wanted to know more, to the point where people were willing to give it a go!

In my personal opinion, I really hope those of you that are reading do try CBD oil if you are seeking alternative treatment. Over the course of the 7-10 days, it has without a doubt made me feel as I did when I was younger, calmer, more rational, more focused, less anxious, the ‘low points’ of depression aren’t as extreme, migraines and pains I would have at least once a week haven’t happened and my sleep is much, MUCH better.

All in all, I am fully on board with using CBD, (I mean, my older relatives absolutely love it!) and instead of the usual six-weekly appointment with the doctor, I’ll be free to order, or pick up a bottle when I need it, and with my experience so far, it has definitely been money well spent. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope whatever you try, works for you! Let me know the oils that you use and tell me your experiences, please!

Martin Learning to Dad.

P.S -Not an ad: In reply to those asking where I got my oil, you can order from the ‘Global Green CBD’ site here: https://www.globalgreencbd.co.uk/

Grow;ng UP (Traveller’s Voice Magazine Article).

You get to a point in your life as you’re growing up and start to think about life as an adult, how you’re going to have to live and act, (especially for our community), you can’t help but imagining what that looks like.

What did it look like to you? Did you get married young, and you’re both always happy with each other? Did you have loads of money in the bank, new trailers, houses or cars? Are you surrounded by Crown Derby all over the place, warning the children to stay away from it, (like me and my brothers and sisters were, for fear of God himself), or do you see yourself having your own site, living near your family?

As I was growing up, I had in my head that to have a happy family and a ‘happy life’, you went on holidays and bought a house, worked hard and gave your wages to your wife. Nothing unusual there, then. That’s what I thought ‘a happy life’ was, and for most people who don’t go through depression and anxiety, it probably is.

I’m in the middle of buying my first house. I also have a gorgeous family, not only that, they are funny, smart, creative and supportive through any mad ideas we have, and the inevitable highs and lows that we face in life. I don’t want for much, either I’m easily pleased or boring but I’m happy with the little things I have, like playing music, sports and nights with the family. I like my job and the people I work with too. All is GOOD.

So why am I more depressed than I’ve ever been, when I’m doing all the things that I imagined made people happy when I was a teenager?

I have no idea. I don’t think I ever will. When people say that they are “living with depression”, they really mean it. It is part of your life, not just a temporary thing that you can shake off. Never has fresh air, or just being to ‘just be happy’ cured depression and it never will. In fact, it makes people miserable. It does me anyway. I’d love to be happier, I should be happier with the things I have in my life. But there are days when I’d rather something bad happen to me, rather than meet someone for work, or play a gig because I’m worried I’d mess up and ruin everything. The featured picture sums me up perfectly. I am surrounded by a room full of carnage, people dancing to music I’ve written, but my face says it all.

No, telling people to ‘cheer up’ definitely isn’t the way to help somebody you know through their depression. Being that person who cares is. Being someone who was happy to drive you to your counselling appointments and grab McDonald’s to chat and clear your head afterwards actually helps. I was lucky that I had that. Not only were my family there when I was trying to accept that this was a part of my life now, friends were there to help me understand how to work with my brain the best I could. This made me stronger, or more resilient. It gradually became easier to open-up and describe some of things that I was involuntarily seeing or thinking. Horrible thoughts that I had no control over and mood swings that would make me impossible to be around. Even when I’m in the middle of playing with my kids, I can stop for a second and desperately need to be on my own for a while.

This is where my resilience has helped me, when I would have caved in the past. Instead of getting away, I take a minute and then think about how important each memory of my children playing with their parents are. Noah is two years old and already understands that when I go to work, he won’t see me for most of the day, then he knows that when I get home he goes to bed shortly after, so he crams in as much play time as he can. That really saddens me, because some days I’m selfish and want to be alone after work, just so I can calm my brain down, so I make sure I push myself to be as patient as I possibly can, because a two year old doesn’t understand anything about chemical imbalances in the brain, they just want to play and that’s why I try (and often fail) and being my version of strong.

Being strong doesn’t mean you have to be superhuman. Just turning up to an appointment, or even making it in the first place and accepting you need support is a huge step. Taking medication is a very scary thing. I never took my anti-depressants for years because I was afraid I’d become a zombie, and what a HUGE mistake that was. Talking to people about it is another huge step, granted not everybody will know how to support you, (so don’t take it personal if some people become distant or change the subject), but these things help you strengthen yourself for the times when you’re in a dark place, and feel lonely despite being surrounded by dozens of fun and loving people. It doesn’t matter, when you’ve hit a bad spot, you’re there until it goes away. There is also a lot to learn in accepting that life as you imagined, doesn’t go that way for pretty much anybody in life and you have top adapt, and roll with what goes on in your life, and the stories that they become well into the future.

As I grew older, the nice things I dreamt about as a teenager became simpler, more realistic things. Like having good health, for me and my family and friends, being able to provide and live as comfortable as I could and just having the time to be happy, and as you go through life, you will have a clearer idea of what an actual happy life is, or what your version of a happy life is. This obviously comes with being able to take care of you and your mental health. It will be important to know and understand when you feel a rough patch is coming, and what to do to manage it best you can. You won’t always be able to stop it, and that’s ok. Your brain is a very powerful thing that will do what it wants but finding support in family and people who can recognise when you’re hitting dark patches, will help you get to a place where you’re comfortable seeking professional help, or even strong medication when nothing else seems to work. I’ve been there, and it isn’t a nice feeling admitting to yourself you need more help, but for people who are living with mental illnesses, that is how you can get from where you are now, to where you dream to be in the next however many years.

Take care of you and your brain, it can be the hardest job in the world to do, but once you’ve built up a strength to take back some control, your view of the future and how to get there will become a bit clearer.